2019 is officially ending as an absolute banger! Relationships bloomed, tears were shed, and unavoidably, regrets were made, too. As much as we hate to admit it, a lot of metaphorical milk was splattered across the year–with some more embarrassing than the others. We’re honoring all the seven naughty things everyone has done the past year. Go ahead and try not to cringe!
Voluntarily miss a call
You’ve done it: a longtime contact who you’ve been actively avoiding comes ringing up on your phone. You can only muster less than two breaths for this oversized schmuck but you’d rather avoid the painful convo altogether. So, what do you do? You watch them desperately ring...and ring...and ring…until they hang up. Is it a downright nasty deed? Well, slightly. But it had to be done sooner or later.
Fake an Instagram Story
You can’t help but get a teensy tiny bit jealous over your glamorous accountant-turned-yoga-instructor friend on Instagram while they feast over a rotisserie chicken without bloating up like yours truly. The thing is that a typical day for you just clouds over like a silent ‘50s film–boring AF. How do you expect to become the thing of envy on the internet? You take the risk and steal someone else’s thunder, that’s how. When you spot your friend’s hella sweet photo of a fedora-wearing corgi or an awesome video of the Jabbawockeez dancing through a fire pit, go ahead and ask ‘em if you can post it on your Instagram stories. Sure, you're stealing their spotlight but with these likes and DMs coming at you? Who really cares?
Fake call or text
Awkward moments when you’d rather be looking busy rather than gawking around are always gonna come by. Although one thing's for sure, faking phone calls and text messages isn’t a great excuse to bide time - especially when the person on the other end of the line doesn’t think that your sassy text was half-meant. It's all fun and games until you break hearts and someone's feelings are actually hurt. Tsk! Tsk!
Double dipping your food
You may be wondering what’s so bad about dippin’ in doubles. Besides obvious hygienic reasons like the increased likelihood of cooties, the act of double D-ing translates to a higher code of power. It marks the range of someone’s territory over a certain delicacy. Don’t deny it! You’ve slobbered saliva all over your fingers and dove them right into the group popcorn bag. You’ve drank from the bottle of brewery bubbly straight from its mouth before everyone else poured their drinks. Don’t look away from this paragraph, we know you’re guilty as heck!
Pass gas then blame someone else
The unholiest of unholy deeds is next on this list: framing someone for a stanky pass o’ gas. Those tension-filled elevator rides that were dead silent and genuinely lacked space seemed to pass by in the longest of seconds whenever you’re clenched to let one rip. What’s worse is that you succumb to it and let your bottom burp. And what’s worse than that? You yelling bloody murder before anyone has a chance to react and, in the most exaggerated way possible, you make a face of disgust towards your nearest victim. If you can still sleep at night knowing you just framed a fart, you must be a diabolically gas-tly.
Hold a deafening shower concert
As much as we stand by the concept of showcasing your gifts to the world for everyone to witness, there are just some things that aren’t meant for human ears. Sadly, screaming your grating vocal chords into a shower head for six hours straight is one of them. It goes beyond naughty–heck, human decency even! Tell us: how many innocent eardrums were busted from across the toilet hall after your screechy Celine Dion power ballads? If you’re chuckling over this because you’re guilty as charged, then you should think about putting a warning on your bathroom doorknob, pal.
Stalk someone then clear your history
“Just one look-up won’t hurt,” “I’m in incognito anyway,” and “Good thing I got my fake account to stalk this hottie,” are just a few thoughts that swirl inside your mind with every cyberstalk you decide to go through with. Your fingers are just itching to look up your high school classmate’s newly engaged fiancé or your old colleague’s badly done nose job. Anyway, you can just clear the batch of your cyberstalk search history with a quick click of a button, though the FBI agent hacking your internet search records is shaking their head in disagreement.
Feelin' guilty from this oh-so-naughty list? Dive into more silly shenanigans on oxgnfashion.com!